Going Home for Summer. Why Does It Feel So Complicated?

By Erin Frobenius | Counseling for those living abroad | Relocation Counseling

Somewhere between there and here.

You've been looking forward to this trip for months.

Or maybe you haven't. Maybe you've been quietly dreading it and feel a little guilty about that too.

Either way — both are completely normal.

Going home for summer when you live abroad is rarely just a holiday. It's loaded. With history, with expectation, with all the people you want to see and not enough time to see them. With the version of yourself you used to be and the one you've become. With the strange feeling of being a guest in the place that shaped you.

This is something that comes up a lot in counseling with people living abroad. The emotional complexity of going home is real — and it's underlying in most conversations about international life.

"Home" Isn't What It Used to Be

One of the quieter losses of living abroad is that home stops being a fixed thing.

The city is the same. The house might be the same. But you've changed — and so has everything else, just without you there to witness it.

Friends have moved on. Family dynamics have shifted. The restaurant you loved closed down.

And sometimes you walk through streets you know by heart and feel oddly like a visitor.

That disorientation has a name. Some call it reverse culture shock. Others describe it as the grief of in-between — not fully belonging here, not fully belonging there anymore either.

Whatever you call it, it's real. And it tends to surface most on trips home.

The Expectations Are Already There Before You Land

Before you even pack a bag, there's a mental list.

Your parents want quality time. Your friends want to pick up where you left off. Your partner's family has plans. You want to eat the food you've missed, see the places that feel like you, and maybe just sit still for a moment. You want a vacation.

And underneath all of that is a pressure most people living abroad recognise: I have to make this count. Because I don't know when I'll be back.

That pressure is exhausting. And it's worth naming before you go.

What Actually Helps

There's no formula for a perfect trip home. But there are a few things that tend to make a difference.

Give yourself permission to do less. The instinct to pack every day with visits, dinners, and catch-ups comes from a good place — you miss people. But more isn't always more. Some of the best moments happen in the unplanned: a slow morning with your mom, a long walk with an old friend. Space leaves room for those.

Say the hard no early. Declining an invitation is easier two weeks before the trip than the day of. Be kind, be clear, and say it soon. Most people understand more than you expect.

Reconsider the big gathering. Hosting a party to see everyone at once sounds efficient. It rarely is. You'll spend the whole time circulating, and by the end you'll feel like you've barely connected with anyone. A few smaller, quieter plans are better.

Set a budget before you leave. The combination of generosity, guilt, and nostalgia can make spending spiral quickly. Knowing your limit in advance means you don't come home carrying financial stress on top of everything else.

Schedule actual rest. Not just downtime between plans — real rest. A morning where nothing is booked. A day at the end to decompress before you travel back. You will need it more than you think.

The Return Is Its Own Thing

Here's something that doesn't get talked about enough: coming back is hard too.

After a trip home, there's often a low that settles in. The grief of leaving again. The re-entry into your life abroad, which can feel both familiar and out of sorts. The strange loneliness of being somewhere you chose, surrounded by a life you built, and still missing something.

This is part of the experience of living abroad. Not a sign that something is wrong — a sign that you love people in more than one place.

Give yourself a few days when you're back. Don't fill the calendar immediately. Let yourself settle.

You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone

If the emotional complexity of going home — or coming back — is something you find yourself carrying alone, counseling for people living abroad can help.

This is exactly the kind of work I do: the grief, the in-between, the identity questions that come with building a life far from where you started.

If any of this resonates and you'd like to explore it, I'd love to hear from you. You're welcome to book a free call — no commitment, just a conversation.

→ Book a free intro call

 Related: If visitors are coming to you this summer, I wrote about that recently: Hosting Visitors While Living Abroad: How to Set Boundaries and Actually Enjoy the Visit.

Erin Frobenius is a counselor working with internationals and people living abroad through life transitions, grief, loss, and identity. Based in Amsterdam. Working online worldwide.